my heart broke but it’s coming back stronger

There are many paths to a broken heart. Mine was a physical thing caused by many years of HIV meds, not emotional heartbreak. That said, since my cabbage surgery January 4th (coronary artery bypass graft), my heart is different. I am more emotional, more vulnerable, more accepting and giving of love. I get overwhelmed easily in a crowded room or restaurant, especially after seeing people who didn’t know why I dropped off the face of the earth for the past 2 months. I am filled with gratitude for all the love and support I have received, but that too has been overwhelming. Some of this can be attributed to a thing called ‘pump brain’ , a temporary condition that can last 6 months, due to being on a heart lung machine for 7 plus hours during the surgery. Some of it from coming as close to death as I have ever been.

I have a dear friend who experienced some of these same things with a near death experience, and did a talk about it . It was filmed and posted on utube .entitled “Joshua Berger:plazm magazine ..doing better: how I broke my brain and changed my mind”. He has changed his habits and lifestyle to support his recovery,and I am on the same path.

We went together to a lecture by Ravi Ravindra last week, and the topic was the yoga of death. This sounds like a grim topic, but it was very inspiring to me. He talked about the randomness of life and death, but living with purpose. I have taken this to my open heart and asked what I can do to live with purpose. My first thought is to continue to share my story in hopes it may inspire or encourage others. My other goal is to do what makes me happy first, and to not bleed myself dry trying to make others happy, as I have in the past. We all have enough conditions to make ourselves happy , it’s a choice!

I still marvel at the timing of my move to this sweet community. Everything unfolded in just the right way, so when crisis hit, I was in my newly fixed up and moved into house, and have had a wonderful neighborhood to do my daily rehab walks., and great neighbors to help shovel snow etc. I will try to trust the unfolding more in my daily life from now on.

Be well, and do what makes you happy today.Take in the good!